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First a word about this blog… I realize that it has been more than a year since my last post! I do not have any real excuse other than I’ve been quite busy. I also am still uncertain what I would like this writing to become. In the meantime, for the people who browse this blog, I can promise to be consistent with inconsistency and will try to provide updates when I am able. Three cheers to keeping up with everything we have in our lives, am I right? Now, on to the topic:

Anxiety is an over-used and outdated term. What we describe as “anxiety” is really a combination of both the somatic experience of stress hormones entering our blood stream, causing a cascade of activation in our nervous system and organs, and, importantly, the cognitive appraisal and narrative of these sensations. Anxiety generally tends to be used as a negative term. To be “anxious” is to have a feeling of “unease” about something with an uncertain outcome. It is usually understood to be an unpleasant sensation or anticipation. We have a huge amount of preconceptions about the experience of stress because of the semantics of the word “anxious” or “anxiety”, and it often becomes a heavy prediction about someone’s identity. “An ANXIOUS person” is a phrase that in our culture implies that someone has more difficulty than average dealing with things in life.

A more truthful and useful way to describe the experience of “nerves” or “anxiety” is to say we are “stress-sensitive”. This phrase is a way to capture what it is like to be a person that naturally is very responsive to changes in biological homeostatis (the balance that our system/body is always trying to achieve to maintain stable conditions) that may be triggered by changes in our routine, new challenges, difficult thoughts, or disruptions to our expectations. Stress-sensitivity in this way just means that the person either has more stress hormones released in their body when confronting a stressor, has organ systems that are more sensitive to this stress hormones , or is just more in tune to the interoception (perception of sensations inside the body, i.e. heartbeat) than average. That person may also THINK about their stress reaction more, or anticipate the sensations in their body and try to avoid them. To think of oneself as “stress-sensitive”, rather than “anxious” adjusts the cognitive appraisal of the experience to one of natural biological response, and lessens the psychological discomfort around the sensations associated with stress hormones. Lessening the psychological resistance or fear related to the somatic experience of stress, then allows one to relax around the feelings, accepting them, rather than blaming oneself, feeling upset with oneself or wondering “why am I like this?” The narrative of self can then be, “I am a stress-sensitive person that needs be aware my thoughts and external stressors and try to support and care for my body when it’s under stress”, rather than “I am an anxious person who feels worried all the time and can’t cope.” The use of more biologically based, self-accepting language can make a huge difference in how the somatic sensations are perceived or appraised, and therefore, make a huge difference in how they are experienced psychologically and emotionally.

Our minds are constantly full of thoughts, emotions, memories, and predictions of future. It can feel, sometimes, that we are absolutely overflowing with stuff in our heads. We can only hold about seven things in working memory, so on a busy day, on top of all the things competing for our attention, all the images and words that fill our minds, things from the past, worries of the future, and the stories of ourselves, we also are also struggling to hold onto our constant mental list of “Things To Do,” just hoping that we don’t forget something important in the process. Our bodies, which are the vessels of emotion, are then scrambling to keep up with the constant up and downs of our thoughts, churning out stress hormones over and over to keep us motivated and ready for battle.

Luckily, we have a quiet place in our brains that can step back from the fray and take stock. It’s called the Observing Self. Otherwise known as Awareness, or Being, the Observing Self is the part of consciousness that can detach from the Stuff of Thought, and just peacefully Be Still. It happens when we become cognizant of the flurry of thoughts and images, and step back to watch. It is the energy of Attention that we can draw away from one thing and bring to something else. The Focus that we can pull from outside ourselves to inside ourselves. This skill of mental Observing without judgement is something we all have and something we all can train to serve us in times of stress, impatience, frustration, as well as times of joy, contentment and gratitude. Being with our internal and external experiences, through quiet observation and detached compassion, allows us to see them for what they really are: Just moments, just thoughts. We can appreciate things more when we want and let things bother us less if we need, when we draw our Awareness to our breath, our body, and the presence of just being alive. This mindful practice of using the Observing Self to be in the moment, connect with the here and now, and see all the memories, predictions and other thoughts as being just the Busyness of the Monkey Mind, allows us to defuse the power of strong emotions and thoughts about ourselves. It gives us a private place to go, even if for just a few seconds, to refresh our perspective.

Bringing awareness to breathing is the simplest exercise to try. Slow, smooth breaths, with a longer exhale, and a pause at the end when your lungs are empty. Just breath as is comfortable for you, as you bring your Observing Self to gently attend to the process. The nervous system likes to relax to this. Breathing slowly is the nervous system’s”happy place”. I invite you to make this part of your daily rituals, just a few moments, a few times during the day, to tell your Breath: Thank you.

I saw a re-posted Tweet the other day from writer Ashley C Ford, which stated:

“You are watching people go through withdrawal from the emotional addiction to the myth of certainty. “

This strikes at the heart of what is fueling our Covid 19 fears. Whether you are worried about the disease itself, or worried about your finances or job, or worried about the economy, or just plain worried about when things are going to get back to normal, already!, what you are really worried about is the uncertainty.

We have all become a little too comfortable with predictability. We’ve had it pretty good for quite a while. We love our routines and our habits and come to rely on the patterns in our lives, and every single human hates it when things change unexpectedly. We get stressed! Even if we are good at handling it (or so we think), we get stressed, even those of us who say we love change, actually get stressed when it happens. It’s just a biological response to the need for preparation, for reassessing risk, and for planning for safety. And change? It happens a lot. Right now it’s just on a bigger scale than we are used to. So. You are in good company. Everyone is going through the same withdrawal from the myth of certainty.

What do you do to ease the worry?

Gradually build new routines. As we get used to the “new normal”, for example, wearing face masks in public, we will find ways to make it predictable and less threatening. For example, masks with fashion colors, learning to smile with our eyes and show people kindness with our body language. Get up for your work from home day and dress as if it mattered. Walk the dogs more often. Schedule regular online or socially distant meet-ups with friends. Or look for new online friends. There are still ways to navigate this new road successfully.

Shift your expectations. One big thing that helps with stress during transitions is leaning into the change, instead of resisting it. Accepting that things are going to feel different, and that is to be expected, mentally shifts your emotions to be less defensive in the face of something new. Telling yourself, “I can figure this out”, instead of “when will this ever end?” is more realistic view that allows you to feel like you have more control.

Control what you can. Take the safety precautions that are in your sphere of influence and do them consistently, but try not to fret about what you can’t fix. Getting mad at other people for believing or acting differently does nothing to change them, it only increases your own stress. We are all trying to stay informed, but we all come to own conclusions about our personal safety and risk.

Doing things one day at a time. Ok, sure I know this is old news. But it matters in these circumstances quite a bit. Compartmentalize your worries or “things to do” to help you organize them. Write them down. Break your mental stress mountain into pieces and it won’t seem so dangerously high and huge. Just work on the things you need to do right now. When we can’t see the end of the path ahead of us, don’t stare into the darkness, just focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

Lastly, give that Uncertainty a big ol’ hug, because it’s going to be around for a while.

The so-called “Serenity Prayer” has always been, in my view, one of the most powerful reflections on the human condition. Though most everyone is familiar with this quote, not everyone has taken the time to really sit with it and absorb it. Used often as part of AA meetings, the serenity prayer is not just about dealing with substance abuse or addiction, it is, in essence, a principle for stress management. It goes like this:

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It has a power in those simple words that somehow captures nearly all our struggles. Just use your imagination for all the possible “things” that someone could deal with, and you’ve got yourself a mantra for basically all of the hardship in life. Regardless of whether or not you are religious, its message resonates, because it is about control and lack of control, two things that are a source of endless anxiety.

There are many things that happen to us, or because of us, that we cannot change. Sometimes these are things that we wish we could do anything to alter, or things we can’t seem to forget…things that cause us tremendous pain or shame, or things that simply get stuck. Then there are the things that are actually behaviors or habits, that continue to cause problems for us. Sometimes we just have patterns in our choices or in our relationships that hurt, annoy or drain us but we can’t see how to make things improve. These are the things we can change.

The last line is the kicker. The wisdom to know the difference. This is where you need to start actually. Is it something I can change or not? Is this something I have any control over? Is the problem inside me or outside of me? Can I learn new skills, thoughts or behaviors to have an impact on this problem? Or is it something that is outside of my sphere of influence?

Then, once you determine the answers to these questions…ask yourself, what would work best? Is the best method to reduce my stress found in the radical acceptance of things beyond my control or the summoning of the courage to change, to act, to learn, to grow?

Thanks to everyone that has been supportive of me as I transition from working as a therapist at Mercy Hospital South to establishing my own practice and office. I am officially accepting new clients as of November 1st, 2019. My goal is to have insurance contracts in place as soon as possible, though it may be close to the first of the year before this will take place. If you are a current client, your patience is appreciated!