The so-called “Serenity Prayer” has always been, in my view, one of the most powerful reflections on the human condition. Though most everyone is familiar with this quote, not everyone has taken the time to really sit with it and absorb it. Used often as part of AA meetings, the serenity prayer is not just about dealing with substance abuse or addiction, it is, in essence, a principle for stress management. It goes like this:
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
It has a power in those simple words that somehow captures nearly all our struggles. Just use your imagination for all the possible “things” that someone could deal with, and you’ve got yourself a mantra for basically all of the hardship in life. Regardless of whether or not you are religious, its message resonates, because it is about control and lack of control, two things that are a source of endless anxiety.
There are many things that happen to us, or because of us, that we cannot change. Sometimes these are things that we wish we could do anything to alter, or things we can’t seem to forget…things that cause us tremendous pain or shame, or things that simply get stuck. Then there are the things that are actually behaviors or habits, that continue to cause problems for us. Sometimes we just have patterns in our choices or in our relationships that hurt, annoy or drain us but we can’t see how to make things improve. These are the things we can change.
The last line is the kicker. The wisdom to know the difference. This is where you need to start actually. Is it something I can change or not? Is this something I have any control over? Is the problem inside me or outside of me? Can I learn new skills, thoughts or behaviors to have an impact on this problem? Or is it something that is outside of my sphere of influence?
Then, once you determine the answers to these questions…ask yourself, what would work best? Is the best method to reduce my stress found in the radical acceptance of things beyond my control or the summoning of the courage to change, to act, to learn, to grow?